A New Purpose

A new purpose

Lately, my life has been changing a lot.

Sometimes for good, but most of the times for worse. I always said that I don’t regret anything that I have done in the past, or that I wouldn’t want to change anything from it if I was given the opportunity to go back in time. 

Recently I discovered that is not true. 

It is true that I do not regret most of the things I have done in my life. After all, those things are who I am today. But there are two things that I have been blaming myself for too long, and I think it is time for me to forgive myself and move on. 

I was looking for forgiveness in the wrong place. 

It wasn’t something that I could receive from someone else, it had to come from inside of me. And I did not understand that until a few days ago. 

While I was dreaming. 

I actually woke up very confused that day. I did not understand why after almost four years I dreamt of that person again. It was just so out of time.

Then I remember what that person said to me before I woke up: “You need to forgive yourself.”

And it wasn’t until I mentioned it to my husband and my best friend that it made sense.

Time for a 180 degrees turn.

I need to start again. Not from the beginning as if nothing happened. But, to move on. To continue this journey without looking back. 

I have an anxiety disorder, I do not need more ghosts from the past to chase after me. 

Usual things already give me a headache. I can’t deal with something that I can’t control anymore. 

This is my new purpose.

To forgive myself for what I have done. It wasn’t nice, but I can’t hold a grudge on me forever. My husband needs me. He is waiting at home. I can’t be waiting in the dark to be rescued by him. I need to do something. I gotta move. 

To NEVER follow the path I was indicated since I was a kid. 

To NEVER wear her broken crown. 

To be the best version of myself. Not just for me, but for the people that care about me. 

 

How am I going to do all of this?

 

Well, it is not going to be simple. And I will need help. But I know I am not alone. No one is. In this world full of life, you are just lonely if you really decide to be. 

The first step is going to be… to set up my goals. 

But for today I think I have done enough. 

Post made possible thanks to Montse M. 

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