UPDATE. Post about OCD at the bottom of the post!
In this post, I will talk about Anxiety.
- What it is
- Why it is there
- How it can affect a person.
Then again, I feel like it is necessary to compare it with an:
In an anxiety-related disorder, your fear or worry does not go away and can get worse over time. It can influence your life to the extent that it can interfere with daily activities like school, work and/or relationships. Fear, stress, and anxiety are “normal feelings and experiences,” but they are entirely different than suffering from any of the seven diagnosable disorders plus substance-induced anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorders, and trauma- or stressor-related disorders.
Unfortunately, I have the later.
Am I already giving up for my purposes? Of course not!
I WILL NEVER GIVE UP.
I am aware I won’t achieve that entirely, not without professional help, but you know what? I want to feel like I tried my absolute best.
I disappointed a friend once when he realized I wasn’t trying my hardest on barely anything to not disappoint myself if I failed, so this time… well, I am giving my very best.
Sometimes I do irrational things. Things that when the anxiety leaves, I feel like they were the most stupid thing I could have ever done.
I thought I was in control the whole time, but apparently, I wasn’t.
Panic or anxiety attacks? Well. Those suck. A lot. The worst thing about them? That no matter what I do or how I act during those moments… I won’t remember what happened. Not what I did, not what someone did to me. NOTHING.
And that is kinda… bad. Because if I need to solve a problem and I go in that state…
– FIRST: It is super complicated for me to calm down unless I am on my own for a while.
– SECOND: if the problem needs an immediate solution… I can’t provide it.
– THIRD: if we need to talk about my behavior… well. How do I know what I did? How can I even promise not to do it again if I am entirely out of control?
It is scary…
And not only that… but then, I work so hard for… nothing.
I feel super proud of whatever I work on. I think it is the best thing I have done in a while (like the idea of this blog. I think a lot of people might feel related to this to an extent). Then… I show it to someone I deeply trust… I don’t get the reaction I was waiting for… and I get disappointed, and I want to give up on the idea.
And most of the times I do. Because of my insecurities. Because I am just not enough.
But you know what? It won’t be like this anymore. I promised I would change, and I will.
I will give my absolute best, and that means not giving up on this idea even if I don’t get the responses I was hoping for.
Post made possible thanks to Montse M.